“There can be no rebirth without a dark night of the soul, a total annihilation of all that you believed in and thought that you were.” – Hazrat Inayat Khan With the dawn of a new year, and my next scan date quickly approaching, I’ve been in reflection mode. March will make 10 years since… Continue reading Rebirth
I received a letter today that I knew was coming, but I’m not going to lie – it still hurts reading it. My beloved oncologist – Dr. V – has retired after over 40 years of practice for medical reasons. Dr. V has been more than a doctor to me. I showed up in his… Continue reading The Oncologist Who Saved Me
“I’ve seen Jesus play with flames / In a lake of fire that I was standing in” – Sturgill Simpson, “Turtles All the Way Down“ Sturgill was singing about drugs when he saw Jesus, but to be fair, I was on copious amounts of Dilaudid when I saw him, so we’re probably even. Aside from… Continue reading six
“I live my life like there’s no tomorrow.” – Van Halen, “Running with the Devil” Some cancer patients call it bargaining with God, and I certainly did my share of it at first. But then I thought, no, that doesn’t seem quite right. Cancer feels like it’s more of a gift from the devil. “Oh,… Continue reading Gambling with the Devil
My apologies to St. Dymphna. She is actually the patron saint of depression and anxiety. But, I might be giving her a run for her money these days. COVID isn’t helping, but it’s not just about a viral infection that could kill me, what with the damage to my lungs from the tumors that grew… Continue reading Laura, The Patron Saint of Scanxiety.
The last few weeks have been a roller coaster to say the least. I’ve always been brutally honest here, and I don’t intend to stop now. When I stopped Cabo in April, I knew it would be a shock for my body. I had lasted three and a half years on the drug, which isn’t… Continue reading The Gift That Keeps On Giving
Every 3 months, it’s the same routine. Get the IV started. Flush the saline in, giving that nauseating, mildly reminiscent smell through my bones of a salty day on the Gulf. Surrender myself on the table again, offering my body up to the God of Science Experiments. Stare at the ceiling, contemplating the results that… Continue reading Carry On Breathing
Year two. Still standing. Still here. Back to my new normal so much, I only stopped and thought to myself a few times, “Wow. Just think where I was two years ago today.” Another notch in the belt. Dr. V and my research nurse were both horrified and laughing when I told them today was… Continue reading Deux.
It’s interesting the things we cling to, the things that stand out, and the things we can’t get rid of. In May 2013, I walked across a stage at the San Diego Convention Center and received my diploma for my masters degree. I’d worked so hard for that degree in particular. I plowed through my… Continue reading The Dress
I made a scary decision this week. OK, that’s being a little trivial. I’ve made far scarier decisions in the past 22 months, you know, like treatment plans and surgery decisions and writing out my will and my wishes for what I’d want if the worst happened. So yeah, nothing on that scale, by far.… Continue reading Cabo Hair, Part II